Sometimes, life and its myriad trials and tribulations make me a bit “grouchy”. Can ya tell?
It has begun!!
My 43rd year trundling about this planet. The year 42 didn’t really give me much insight on Life, the Universe and Everything. Well, it did, but that revelation wasn’t exactly positive, and since we all have to be Happy Little Smurfs – OR ELSE! – I won’t go into the details.
Birthdays are the time when some folks, myself included, start to evaluate and re-evaluate their lives. Well, I am now 43 years old, and I have done nothing with my life. I have moved from place to place and reacted to situation after fucked up situation to the best of my ability. I have survived. That’s pretymuch it. I didn’t even really want THAT. Now, I am an adult with freedoms – and nothing to do with those freedoms. I live in one of the better(?) cities in the U.S., and I never really go anywhere or do anything. I have a talent(?) that brings me little joy and no revenue. I have a good woman by my side, but I worry constantly that I am letting her down and holding her back.
I would LOVE to say that I am gonna change things for the better, but I have sung that song before – usually around my birthdays and or New Years. The truth is that I have no idea what to do with my life. I never have. My rather convoluted history, both personal and educational make things difficult, as does, well, the progress of the world. Back when I was younger and SHOULD have been enjoying my youth, things were easier for someone of marginal talent and gumption to do something – anything – to make art AND money. To do something revolutionary with just and idea, medium sized balls, a wee bit of time and a little bit of help. Particularly in graphic/sequential art. Now that comics are big biz an technology has jumped forward in the arena of making it, some of us got left behind. Now, I have a lot of ideas – perhaps too many, because God knows I can’t seem to focus on just one – a very small amount of balls, relatively little time and ZERO help. I keep scribbling because it’s all I know how to do. No, I mean almost literally. It’s my only even halfway marketable skill, and I have no idea how to market it.
Now, I am 43. My health is failing, I feel like my creativity is drying up, and while I have more money nowadays than I ever did (which is sad, as I am working a minimum wage job. Still, hooray for Seattle wages and a simple lifestyle. I AM actually saving money, despite hospital bills), I still have no idea how to put that toward PRODUCING something “concrete”.
I don’t understand Patreon, Project Wonderful or Kickstarter. This site has been up for 2 years and almost no one visits. I was almost going to shut it down, but, I realize that it’s still a cathartic place to place the things I DO make, and helps to keep me semi-sane. I won’t shut it down, but, I will be revamping its purpose.
I will be using the blog feature a lot more. I have untold number of LiveJournals that I keep for some unknown reason. All that can be funneled into this site. The experiences that I have written down in those journals can probably be mined for comic fodder once I decide which comic to MAKE… which I WILL before January. Facebook is annoying, and Twitter is getting there. DeviantArt has gone through some changes in the last decade, and a lot of folks seem to hate it. Honestly, I’ve been there for a very long time, and I don’t really see MUCH of a change in what it ever was. STILL, almost no one is paying attention to anything I post there, so, other than using it to direct folks to THIS site, and maybe the occasional fan art for one of my few DA friends/fans, I don’t think I am going to use it much anymore.
I’m also going to use my extra money to start commissioning other artists for fanart and such of my own characters, as well as taking commissions. In the back of my self-deprecating mind I don’t really think I am good enough. I never thought I was, but, honestly, there are a lot worse artists and writers out there getting cash and attention for what they do, so why not me? (THIS is a serious bone of contention, btw.)
At present, I am trying to finish up Shelterville Shuffle. (I need to finish SOMETHING!) Once that’s done, it’s all fanart, pinups, one-shot comics and filler until January 2017. Then, we’ll see if I can buckle down and get something done in the realm of personal and artistic advancement.
43 years old. I never thought I’d live this long.
So, after my ordeal in the hospital, I am on the mend. I am back at work, my butt is healing nicely, and, aside from a blood sugar issue or two, my diabetes is currently manageable. I’ve even got the drawing mojo back, sorta…
I hate to complain, but, all is still not well.
This website is up for renewal. It’ll cost… well, more than I expected. More than it did last year, and MUCH more than it cost me to set up, almost 2 years ago. 2 years, and almost no one even looks at this damned thing. If I hadn’t put so much into it, I would let it lapse. Still, I believe in it. I believe in my ability to make likeable comics, and, with a little work and some training from those who know what they’re doing (’cause I DON’T), maybe get onto Project Wonderful and Patreon and all that other jazz and get some attention for some of my ideas. Perhaps if I can make a bit of moolah, I can hire a better artist to draw some of these things.
Anyway, I STILL haven’t been able to pick a project and stick with it, and currently I am re-thinking a few of the ones that I have. I am thinking of destroying, reimagining and streamlining my superhero properties. Trying to maintain an entire universe full of superheroes is just plain madness and I believe that is where the Big Two keep fucking up.
My “slice of life” ideas have never really cohesed the way I wish them to, as “normal” isn’t really something I know.
Evil Empire, and/or some of my other space-themed comics could work well, but, just my luck, I seem to have misplaced the folder with all of the linework and character info, including the first 6 or so strips of Chapter 2. Yay me.
In summary, I am still in the exact same place I was, creatively, about 12 years ago. The only difference-slash-advancement is this website… which I may lose. The Universe is a harsh mistress.
So, just about a month ago, I got hemorrhoids…. or so I thought.
There was a painful swelling In my backside region, and, being the knucklehead that I was raised to be, I tried to ignore it, treat it with Preparation H and Witch hazel and continue with my life. Big Mistake.
After going to work for two days with this nonsense going on, I finally got my head outta my swollen ass and went to the emergency room.
Come to find out that the “hemorrhoids” were actually a cellulitis infection.
That infection also gave way to a bladder/bowel infection. I had to have surgery. Not a big one, but a big ENOUGH one.
I laid up in a hospital bed for the better part of 2 and a half weeks.
I have suffered the humiliation and pain of having IVs poked into every available vein I have. Strangers have seen me naked. I I have worn the hospital equivalent of a diaper (and a frilly one, at that! WTF hospital?!). Strangers have seen me naked. I have been painfully constipated, only to turn around and have pooped myself a day later.
I have been given meds that turned my pee bright orange. I went 2 weeks without a single good night’s sleep. Honestly, I think I went a little nuts there. Doctors & nurses asked a million questions AT me when I was in no shape to really answer, and no one really listened when I did talk.
On top of all that, I was informed that I was “pre-diabetic”. I don’t know what “pre’ diabetic is, but it didn’t matter, because 45 minutes later, I was DIABETIC. Now I’m on an insulin regimen.
So, I am finally out of the hospital. The bladder/bowel thing is slowly resolving itself. The cellulitis infection is getting better, and the diabetes isn’t the nightmare it was back when my granddad had it. Oddly, the diabetes seems to be the most worry-free part of this whole ordeal, despite having to jab needles into my gut 4 times a day.
Hopefully, I can get back to work soon. I am going stir crazy at home and running low on funds. The worst bit Is that, not only is the art mojo not flowing while I have all this free time, but, in the wake of all this, my hands have started shaking at times.
I am still having bathroom issues, and I still have irrigation tubes and gauze in my buttock, but, my doctor says that I am getting better. Of course, my worst nightmare, being a slow-walking infirm old fart, seems to be coming true, but I will deal with it.
So, at only halfway thru, 2016 has been a total write-off for me. Sad thing is, after all this life-changing mess, I can still honestly say that this hasn’t even been the worst year of my life.
I’m still around, and still trying to draw and create. You should do the same.
Let nothing stop you, and be sure to take care of yourselves! You never know when the Powers That Be may decide to be assholes to you.
It’s that time again. The seasons are changing erratically, causing my bod and brain to malfunction in interesting and annoying ways. I have a relatively new job with a fluctuating schedule, and thus, no real time to devote to my ONE hobby — it’s even cutting into my coffee drinking time, which is NEVER good. I am bone tired and uninspired lately. Ironically, I have more money, and thus can get more art supplies, but I won’t be able to use them at this rate!
The art mojo well is dry lately, and that also weighs heavily on my continuing will to keep going through the motions. The 2 of you still watching this site may have noticed that I haven’t uploaded even a scribble in weeks.
I am TRYING to take time to “get back to my roots” artistically and remember what made me want to draw in the first place. I am using actual pencils more, and trying to retrain myself on colored pencils and maybe doing some actual inking in the near future. Most of that won’t make it to the site, though.
Still, I don’t wanna leave the same comic sitting here for the forseeable future, so it’s gonna be filler, filler and MORE filler, for at least a few weeks. Maybe I’ll get a comic idea or get off my scatterbrained, lazy ass and try to finish ONE of the dozen or so that I keep running out of steam on.
See you in the Future! (I hope!)
Earlier, I found out that Joanie “Chyna” Laurer died. That was sad enough. Though she was rising to prominence just as I was losing interest in wrestling, I did see some of her matches and liked her a lot. I loved her voice. A lot of detractors talk a lot of crap about her voice, but I thought it was sexy and interesting.
So, I had LITERALLY just finished jotting down about Chyna’s deathin my LiveJournal, (yes, I still use LJ), go to twitter, and find out that Prince is dead.
I don’t know where to begin…. That man’s music got me through some rough times in my childhood and teen years. Love of his music is one of the few good things I shared with my mom. I admired his talent, genius and especially madness.
He was one of the first folks that showed me that one could be black and a weirdo, and that that was a good thing. Particularly if there is talent and creativity behind it. I was just recently lamenting that I am at the age where my heroes are going to start going extinct. This year seems dead-set on fulfilling that prophesy. I do not like it, SamIam. First David Bowie, now Prince. Music seems to be losing all it’s sexually fluid musical eccentrics.
Rest In Peace to His Royal Purpleness.